It's amazing how a little debt (or a lot) can affect a relationship. I'm not surprised that 40% or more marriages that end in divorce are because of financial issues.
I think that debt stress is hard enough when a couple gets into it together. It's "their" debt. It's a little different when only one half of that couple is strapped with the debt. Then it becomes a wedge, and it's so darn difficult to keep that wedge from getting so big that it tears your relationship apart. It's the only thing that I am really sensitive about with myself and really one of the only things that we (my husband and I) fight about on a regular basis.
I feel like my debt is the easy blow for my husband to use to immediately make me feel bad. No matter what we are arguing about, he's got that debt card in his back pocket that he can whip out at anytime and the argument immediately turns in his favor and I'm the bad guy. Now, I am sure that much of this is in my own head, because I am so sensitive to this issue that I get on the defense as soon as anything remotely sounds like "money" or "debt", but some of it is not. The metaphor I use to describe how I feel about my debt is that it's much like the girl who is self-conscious about her weight. Any little reference to anything that could remotely be about her weight and she feels badly. And it's such an easy blow for your spouse to use. You say "I can't believe you were out until 3am and got a DUI and lost your job!" and he says "Yeah, but look how fat you are." Done.
Case in point. Last night I was trying to get my son to go to bed. He is a night owl and it's fairly difficult to get him to sleep at night. It was 9pm and past his bedtime, so I took him in the room and laid down with him. Well, after about 20 minutes of him fussing his dad comes to the rescue to "save" him from evil mommy who is making him do something that he doesn't want to do. So I follow them out to the living room and we proceed to have an argument about bed time. Not 5 minutes into the argument he reaches into his back pocket (figuratively) and whips out the "debt card" and all of a sudden he's ranting and raving about how much debt I'm in and how I've screwed our family and how we will never have a bright future with all my debt looming over us. I don't know how this happens but all of a sudden I'm having to defend myself - and the bed time argument is over. He's won. I suck.
I've been told that I need to "make peace" with myself and my financial situation, and once I have then these things won't bother me. Well, I guess I have not yet made peace, because I can't help but be bothered!
I guess a silver lining is that it's a great motivator to get out of debt! Too bad that all this stress just makes me want to go out and shop . . .
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I just can't stop!
So it starts out as harmless fun. A new outfit here, a cute pair of shoes there. What's the harm in that? I work hard, I deserve to "reward" myself from time to time right? Who cares if the money to pay for these things came out of my credit card (or that "time to time" is a several times a week)? I'm young, unmarried, no kids, this is the perfect time to be selfish and do what I want and spend what I want . I'll pay it back . . . eventually.
Fast forward about 7 years to present day. Married, 2 kids, and a MOUNTAIN of debt! See, the problem with getting used to the "buy now, pay later" attitude is that "later" is now, and now I have a lot more to think about than just myself. I have mortgages to pay, daycare to pay, food to put on the table for my family . . . and a husband who is not too thrilled (to say the least) about his wife's little shopping habit.
When my husband and I got married he married me (and my debts). Being the independent woman I am, I assured him that my debt was my debt and that in no way, shape or form would my debt become his debt! I paid my credit card bills with "my" money from my paycheck. Well, soon after the wedding "my" debt became "our" debt when we took on a 2nd mortgage to pay off "my" debts. Still, I paid the 2nd mortgage with my paycheck and in my own mind I still truly believed that I was not effecting "us" because his paycheck did not pay for this debt.
Skip forward about 9 months and now we have our first of 2 beautiful children. Now you might think that this would be a wake up call for me. My days of selfishness should be over. I'm now married, have not only a first but now a second mortgage and just had our first child. This would be a great opportunity for me to become a responsible penny-pincher! And I wish my story ended there, me seeing the error in my ways and us living happily ever after.
Well, as you may guess, I wouldn't be writing this blog if that were true. Unfortunately, when you are a bonafied "shopaholic" like me, having a new child just gives you more reason to shop . . . and feel very justified in doing so! I mean, my kid's gotta have clothes right? I don't want him to be the only baby in the daycare to look like a slob. So the mall called to me . . . Baby Gap . . . Gymboree . . . The Children's Place . . . Janie and Jack. My child was the best dressed kid on the block, and he had the mounds of cloths and shoes to prove it. (And I had the mounds of credit card debt to prove it.) Looking back, the funny thing was that he had so many clothes that some he only wore once or twice, or never at all. I truly could have clothed a small village with what was in my son's closet!
When it came to the question of whither I would continue to work or stay home with our child . . . well, there wasn't really a question. With all of my debts it was virtually impossible for us to afford for me not to work. So, though I loved my job, I carried the "mommy guilt" of taking my son to daycare everyday so I could work, and pay.
Almost 3 years later we were blessed again, with our second son. And soon after I returned to work from maternity leave we refinanced our second mortgage, rolling in more of my debt. Some of which was from the little things for the new baby (lucky we had so much from our first son, we really didn't need to buy anything major). But mostly it was from 3 years of shopping sprees for a bunch of crap I really didn't need (and at this point, can't even remember buying). And most recently the complete new wardrobe from Gap Maternity (because even pregnant, I needed to look fabulous)!
Now we have 2 children in daycare, paying close to $2,000 per month for that, our mortgage, car payments . . . and of course my debt! My one saving grace is that I am fortunate enough to work for a great company and have had great opportunities to "move up the corporate ladder". On the flip side, I have "had" to get promotions, just to be able to afford my debts. None of my raises have been with celebration that now we can get ahead in life, but with the satisfaction of knowing that my bills will be paid on time.
All of this said, I haven't even tackled the issue of the type of relationship this has created with me and my husband. We have been together for 10 years (and married for 5) and we love each other dearly. But there is a constant gorilla in the room which is named "Rose's debt". Selfishly I always forced myself to believe that as long as my debts were being paid with my paycheck, and my husband was not having to "pitch in" with his paycheck, and all of our bills were paid on time, then what's the big deal? Why was he so bent out of shape about it? I have now come to the realization of how much "my" debt affects our lives and our marriage every day.
Though we are fortunate enough to both have good jobs, live in a nice home and own 2 cars, we have no "parachute" to save us if anything unforeseen ever happens (unless you can call begging our families for hand-outs if we needed it a "parachute"). We also wait with anticipation each year for our tax refund so that we have a little money in our savings so we can do a home improvement project or take a small vacation. We have no 529 plan for our children and have used up much of the equity in our home to pay my debts. I joke that I'm worth more dead than alive, since I am at least smart enough to have a great life insurance plan "just in case" so I wouldn't strap my widowed husband with a ton of debt!
This brings me to the reason for this blog, because I am sure that if I am in this situation (and the economy is in the pitts like it is) there must be a bunch of other people who like me, meant well and really didn't see the harm in what we were doing. Maybe you still don't see the harm in it, or maybe like me, you do, and you wonder how you got yourself (and your family) to this point. And maybe like me, though you know it's wrong, it is still SO hard to stop.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that I work for a bank as a living? Yes, I spend my days advising people as to how to get out of debt and be responsible with their money. Oh the irony . . . .
Fast forward about 7 years to present day. Married, 2 kids, and a MOUNTAIN of debt! See, the problem with getting used to the "buy now, pay later" attitude is that "later" is now, and now I have a lot more to think about than just myself. I have mortgages to pay, daycare to pay, food to put on the table for my family . . . and a husband who is not too thrilled (to say the least) about his wife's little shopping habit.
When my husband and I got married he married me (and my debts). Being the independent woman I am, I assured him that my debt was my debt and that in no way, shape or form would my debt become his debt! I paid my credit card bills with "my" money from my paycheck. Well, soon after the wedding "my" debt became "our" debt when we took on a 2nd mortgage to pay off "my" debts. Still, I paid the 2nd mortgage with my paycheck and in my own mind I still truly believed that I was not effecting "us" because his paycheck did not pay for this debt.
Skip forward about 9 months and now we have our first of 2 beautiful children. Now you might think that this would be a wake up call for me. My days of selfishness should be over. I'm now married, have not only a first but now a second mortgage and just had our first child. This would be a great opportunity for me to become a responsible penny-pincher! And I wish my story ended there, me seeing the error in my ways and us living happily ever after.
Well, as you may guess, I wouldn't be writing this blog if that were true. Unfortunately, when you are a bonafied "shopaholic" like me, having a new child just gives you more reason to shop . . . and feel very justified in doing so! I mean, my kid's gotta have clothes right? I don't want him to be the only baby in the daycare to look like a slob. So the mall called to me . . . Baby Gap . . . Gymboree . . . The Children's Place . . . Janie and Jack. My child was the best dressed kid on the block, and he had the mounds of cloths and shoes to prove it. (And I had the mounds of credit card debt to prove it.) Looking back, the funny thing was that he had so many clothes that some he only wore once or twice, or never at all. I truly could have clothed a small village with what was in my son's closet!
When it came to the question of whither I would continue to work or stay home with our child . . . well, there wasn't really a question. With all of my debts it was virtually impossible for us to afford for me not to work. So, though I loved my job, I carried the "mommy guilt" of taking my son to daycare everyday so I could work, and pay.
Almost 3 years later we were blessed again, with our second son. And soon after I returned to work from maternity leave we refinanced our second mortgage, rolling in more of my debt. Some of which was from the little things for the new baby (lucky we had so much from our first son, we really didn't need to buy anything major). But mostly it was from 3 years of shopping sprees for a bunch of crap I really didn't need (and at this point, can't even remember buying). And most recently the complete new wardrobe from Gap Maternity (because even pregnant, I needed to look fabulous)!
Now we have 2 children in daycare, paying close to $2,000 per month for that, our mortgage, car payments . . . and of course my debt! My one saving grace is that I am fortunate enough to work for a great company and have had great opportunities to "move up the corporate ladder". On the flip side, I have "had" to get promotions, just to be able to afford my debts. None of my raises have been with celebration that now we can get ahead in life, but with the satisfaction of knowing that my bills will be paid on time.
All of this said, I haven't even tackled the issue of the type of relationship this has created with me and my husband. We have been together for 10 years (and married for 5) and we love each other dearly. But there is a constant gorilla in the room which is named "Rose's debt". Selfishly I always forced myself to believe that as long as my debts were being paid with my paycheck, and my husband was not having to "pitch in" with his paycheck, and all of our bills were paid on time, then what's the big deal? Why was he so bent out of shape about it? I have now come to the realization of how much "my" debt affects our lives and our marriage every day.
Though we are fortunate enough to both have good jobs, live in a nice home and own 2 cars, we have no "parachute" to save us if anything unforeseen ever happens (unless you can call begging our families for hand-outs if we needed it a "parachute"). We also wait with anticipation each year for our tax refund so that we have a little money in our savings so we can do a home improvement project or take a small vacation. We have no 529 plan for our children and have used up much of the equity in our home to pay my debts. I joke that I'm worth more dead than alive, since I am at least smart enough to have a great life insurance plan "just in case" so I wouldn't strap my widowed husband with a ton of debt!
This brings me to the reason for this blog, because I am sure that if I am in this situation (and the economy is in the pitts like it is) there must be a bunch of other people who like me, meant well and really didn't see the harm in what we were doing. Maybe you still don't see the harm in it, or maybe like me, you do, and you wonder how you got yourself (and your family) to this point. And maybe like me, though you know it's wrong, it is still SO hard to stop.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that I work for a bank as a living? Yes, I spend my days advising people as to how to get out of debt and be responsible with their money. Oh the irony . . . .
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